The Fete
by Noodlenugget
Summary: Raymond and family attend the kid's school's spring fete. Raymond goes down a slide, Debra gets annoyed, Robert sucks at babysitting, Marie runs the show and Frank...Makes a right fool of himself.
1. Meet Raymond

**Chapter 1: Meet Raymond**

Most people in America would agree that Long Island isn't the most exciting place in the USA. Las Vegas had slot machines and shotgun weddings, Arizona had the Grand Canyon and even mainland New York had more shops than a Kardashian could shake a credit card at. Thankfully, Long Island had one thing that was exciting, if a little noisy: The Barone household.

Life there was never boring. When ether Debra was yelling at Ray, Marie and Frank (Ray's overbearing parents), had decided to voyage across the road to harass the family or there was some major event going on that required everyone's attention, there was never a peaceful day. Unfortunately for the family, today and the day that followed would no different.

It was a relativity sunny day. The kind of day that wasn't anything noteworthy. It wasn't overly sunny nor was it raining enough to cause a flood. It was just terribly….Ordinary. In an ordinary two-story house, an ordinary man was sitting on the couch, drinking a can of lemonade and watching an American football game on the small yet reliable TV. Raymond Barone, as the man was called, sprawled himself on the couch. If there was anything he had learnt over the course of his life it was that sometimes, the best things in life were the simple ones. The kids were upstairs playing, his wife was….doing something and he hadn't seen his intrusive parents all day. It was almost perfect.

Despite the euphoric atmosphere, a spot of doubt burrowed its way into Ray's mind. This couldn't last, it just couldn't. Every time he tried to relax, something always had to happen to ruin it.

"Ray, have you seen the kid's boots?" Asked a frantic housewife as she scanned the living room. Cushions were turned over, cupboards were inspected and shelves were searched as Debra Barone, the long-suffering housewife searched for the footwear.

And there it was.

"Uh…Have you checked the cupboard?" Raymond replied, eyes glued to the football game on the TV instead of looking at the love of his life.

"Which one?"

"Deb, calm down, they'll turn up," Ray said peacefully, trying to diffuse the ticking time bomb that was his wife. Maybe this time, it'd work?

Said bomb stomped towards him, snatched the remote from Raymond's lap and switched off the TV. Ray let out a dying groan as if Debra had switched off his soul.

"Help me look! You know how muddy the school fields are." Debra ordered, very close to physically dragging her lover off the couch. She loved Raymond to bits but if there was one thing she'd change about her lover, it'd be his laziness, no doubt about it.

"Ok, Ok…" The husband groaned, forcing himself off the couch and onto his own two legs. "Why the heck do we need them anyways? I've already taken them to the park."

Debra rolled her eyes. Typical Ray: always doing the bare minimum.

"Because the school fete is tomorrow Ray! I just want to be prepared!"

The school fete. One of the many obstacles that came with being a parent. For some strange reason, most other couples would go mental over this small event, looking for any way to get one over on the other parents and prove that they meant something to the school's community. One year, Ray and Debra had been on holiday when the spring fete occurred. When they returned, Debra had received endless missed messages from other mothers, grilling her over missing it.

Needless to say, they never went on holiday during the spring again.

The two split into two different directions, Debra going upstairs to look in the kid's bedrooms (again) while Ray reluctantly stayed behind to scour the kitchen and basement. Getting down on his hands and knees, Raymond crawled under the kitchen table, checking every corner of the shaded area. One of these days, his back was going to snap from all this work, not that anyone appreciated it. Knowing his wife, she'd probably tell him to drive himself to the hospital. He worked hard, why was she always on his case?

"HAVE YOU FOUND THEM?!" Came a cry as loud as a foghorn.

"NO!" Ray bellowed back.

Grunting quietly as he forced himself up, Raymond went downstairs to look for the boots. The basement was dusty, a consequence of no one cleaning it in a while. Flicking on the old light switch, Raymond searched his workplace to appease his wife. They weren't on his chair, they weren't on the desk, they weren't even at the bottom of the stairs... But what was that just under them? He soon found the trio of boots sitting on a sheet of dirty old newspapers. Just what the heck where they doing there anyway?

Then he remembered: Debra had told the kids to put them on Ray's then-new newspaper in order to dry them off. Ray remembered how he had to sacrifice knowing the day's football results just so either he or Debra (but most likely him) wouldn't have to charge around the house with a mop, cleaning up half-dried mud. He'd been meaning to clean the boots but life had just been getting in the way of that particular goal. He should probably take them upstairs to clean them. That'd be the right thing to do after all.

But there was also the football game…

Picking up the boots in both arms and heading up the mountain of wooden stairs, Raymond made for the back door, carefully dumping the dirty objects onto the house mat on his way out.

"They're at the back door, Debra!" He shouted before dashing out of the door and over to the noisy sanctuary of his parents (and brothers) house.

Needless to say, Debra wasn't thrilled when she discovered three pairs of dirty boots on her nice, clean porch.

"At least he tried." She thought to herself, grabbing the boots and hauling them over to the sink.

"Mummy?" Came a little voice. "Where's daddy?"

Debra looked down at her daughter and couldn't resist letting out a sigh.

"Daddy's gone into no-man's land Sweetie." She muttered.


	2. The news cometh

**Chapter 2: The news cometh**

Marie Barone was very much like a mosquito. Once she attached herself to you, she'd cling on for dear life, cause you nothing but problems and would most likely be the death of you. When you finally passed on, she would find another host and make his life a living, breathing hell as well. Once that one died, the pattern would endlessly loop until her dying day, when the world could finally rejoice since they'd never have to worry about the old pest again.

That's what Frank was thinking at that very moment, given that the insect known as his wife was on his case yet again about the most trivial of things. It was nothing new, yet every time she did; it ticked him off to no end. With all the bickering they did, it was a wonder they were still together.

"Frank! Move your feet!" Came the annoying squeal of an old, wrinkly mosquito.

"Later! I'm tired!" The man of the house replied.

Armed with a bright red vacuum cleaner, Marie stood over her husband, shooting him an icy glare. How dare he sit on the sofa watching football instead of helping her with the housework? The old man shot a dirty look right back. He'd already been nagged to eat his grilled cheese over a plate (Which seemed kind of pointless since she'd already coated the sofa in plastic wrapping) and to take a napkin with him. Hadn't he suffered enough?

"Tired from what? Stuffing your fat face?" Marie spat.

"No! I've been walking! Exercising!"

"You only walked to the corner shop to get yourself a bag of chips!"

"Well, what the bloody hell have you been doing all day?!"

"Vroooooooooom!" Went the vacuum, rather impatient to start cleaning.

Marie motioned towards the device to prove her point.

She and her husband stared at each other for a few seconds, each questioning their choice of spouse. When it became clear the fat pig on the couch wasn't going to move, Marie switched off the vacuum and trundled it back into the kitchen, resisting the urge to mutter under her breath. The idea of a swift divorce was looking more appealing by the second.

At that moment, the door opened, revealing the wonderful person that was Raymond.

"Hi, honey!" The old lady said her smile as bright as thousand suns. "You hungry?"

"No Ma," Was the man's reply, as it was nearly every time.

It was the same thing every time Raymond came over. Marie would ask if he wanted anything to eat, which often got turned down. It wasn't that she was a bad cook, heck, she could put Gordon Ramsay out of business but there always seemed to be something more important than food going on. At least that meant everything was fine: If Raymond came over and wasn't offered a piece of pie, lasagne or other foodstuff, then something was definitely wrong. Thankfully, that wasn't the case this time.

"So, what brings you here?" Marie smiled, forgetting the argument she'd had not moments before.

Raymond cringed a little inside. He knew Debra would flip if he told his family about the school fete. Then again, if they found out about it anyways and realised he never told them… Urgh, he didn't want to think about it. Just doing that gave him goosebumps.

"The kids are having a little…Um…School fete." He whimpered.

Marie clapped her hands and let out a laugh.

"Wonderful! Wonderful! What time?" She sang, almost as if she was a little girl again.

"Uh…10AM."

"Great! I'll tell Robbie as soon as he comes home!" Marie grinned. She'd always loved school fetes. The smiles, the sweet sound of children laughing, the games and activities!

"Frank! Did you hear that?" She called.

"No!" Lied Frank.

Raymond shook his head and strolled into the living room to watch the game with his father.

"What's the score?" He asked, making himself comfortable.

"Bellport's ahead by a touchdown." Smiled Frank, a rare occurrence unless he was insulting someone.

Raymond grinned like a little boy and stared into the TV screen as if not blinking would somehow increase their odds of winning. The two were so invested in the game that they didn't notice Robert come in, dressed in police uniform. Either that or they simply didn't care.

"Hi, Ma," Robert smiled.

"Hello there dear," Marie replied, standing on her tip-toes to give her eldest son a kiss on the cheek, which he gladly accepted. "I've got great news!"

Robert prepared himself. When ether his mother said "Great news" what she usually meant was "Your younger brother's outshined you yet again."

"We're all going to the kid's spring fete tomorrow!" Marie cheered, almost bouncing up and down from the excitement alone.

Her son was not amused.

"You said we were gonna go to my work picnic! Tomorrow" Robert groaned.

"Oh Robbie, there'll be other picnics. We need to go and support Ray's children!" His mother replied.

Of course, everything always came back to Raymond. When ether it be an award, a new article published or simply him falling over and grazing his knee, everything that his brother did demanded the world's attention.

Marie wasn't finished fussing, however, and dashed over to the cutlery drawer to pull out a large knife. Once she got started in the kitchen, not even the apocalypse would get her stop. Besides, Marie was convinced that Debra wasn't feeding the kids properly. Someone had to get some nutrients into the family.

"Now, go watch the game next door. I've got to get a picnic lunch ready!" She squealed, pulling open the bread bin. Given how she pulled out a whole loaf, she'd most likely make enough to feed a small army.

"Fine…"

Robert wandered into the living and crashed down on the couch, right between his brother and father. As they gazed at the TV, not speaking one word to one another, one thing echoed throughout the giant's mind.

 _Everybody_ loves _Raymond_

"Robert," Frank muttered, derailing his son's train of thought. "Get your hand offa my grilled cheese."


	3. The day arrives

**Chapter 3: The day arrives**

"Ray!" Bellowed Debra, her voice literally bouncing off the walls as it echoed upstairs. "Come on! We're gonna be late for the kid's school fair!"

"Hurry daddy, hurry!" Came the cries of Michael and Geoffrey, the couple's twin boys as they slipped on their sneakers eagerly. Ally, their elder sister was also situated on the stairs beside them, fiddling with the long, blonde hair of her Barbie doll.

Upstairs, Raymond lay on the bed, reading a newspaper. He was already regretting the event enough without him telling his parents about it. He'd be lucky if he made it out alive after all that.

"Do we have to?" Came the whimper of the biggest child in the house.

Debra, the long-suffering wife and mother she was, helped the kids put on their hats and stomped upstairs to the bedroom she and Raymond shared. On the bed, she could see the large lump, back turned to her. Said lump groaned when she came in and moaned when she tugged the reading material away from him.

"Come on Ray, get off your butt and be a parent!" Debra stated, a little louder than necessary.

"What do you think I've been doing all these years!?"

Debra sighed and walked over to the little drawer adjacent to her hopeless hubby. Pulling it open, she removed a small black wallet.

"Well, if you can't make it, I'll at least take a part of you with me." She smiled and walked out of the room.

"Alright! Alright! I'm coming already!" Ray shouted after her, sprinting down the wooden staircase and nearly tripping over his own feet. Thankfully, he didn't and simply stumbled for a brief second, grabbing the banister to stop himself.

"Took ya long enough. Debra replied, leading the kids out of the wooden door and into the silver car. Raymond followed, mumbling to himself.

"I almost fall down that stairs and that's all you can say?" He muttered behind his wife's back.

To think, he could be watching the big game on TV, playing golf with his friends or simply laying on his bed picking his nose. But nope, he had to spend his day on a school field filled with the endless shouts of tiny children stuffing their faces with cotton candy, pushing each other over and fighting. Plus, the kids would want to have their face painted, drag him on rides and whatever else kids did at school fetes these days. Ray had devoted a lot of last year and some of this one to forgetting last year's fete. Still, this was one of the many sacrifices you made when your wife got pregnant. Twice.

The quintet finally managed to squeeze themselves into the car, albeit with some her place behind the driver's wheel, Debra started the car. The engine roared into life with a loud "Vroooom! , signalling that it was ready to go. Just then, a shiver of doubt ran down Debra's back.

"Hey, did you tell your parents about the school fete?" She asked her husband.

"Uh…No," Raymond replied.

In his experience, it was better to lie to his spouse and play innocent than to straight up admit when he goofed up. At least then, he got a bit more time to prepare for the inevitable yelling.

Debra breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing she needed was interference from the cows that lived just across the road. Knowing them, Marie would take over the entire day and treat everyone like they were toddlers, Frank would make an arse of himself and Robert….Well, and he'd probably behave himself. Heck, most of the time he was more mature than both of his parents and his brother put together. That is unless Ray managed to rope him into acting like a child…

"Granny!" Michael squealed, looking up from his car seat. From behind him, one could see a curly-haired lady shouting something into her house. From the looks of things, she was having an argument with someone inside.

Debra's eyes snapped open and she grabbed hold of the joystick.

 _Screeeeeech!_

Debra couldn't move the joystick into reverse any faster. The car rocketed out of the small, neat driveway and rip-roared down the road, hopefully before Marie could see them.

Unfortunately, she did and shook her head in disgust.

* * *

After an eternity of hair-pulling, shoving and "Are we there yet?"s, the family finally made it to the school. Over in the school playing fields, the sounds of shouting, cheering and shrieks of the children and internal sobbing of the clowns were clearly audible. Michael, Geoffrey and Ally all ran towards the fete with open arms while Ray and Debra's wife stood up straight, watching her children gazing at the attractions in awe. Her husband slumped over like a hunchback.

"Ray, for god's sake, try and cheer up," Debra said, putting her hand on her husband's shoulder. She was determined to make today a good one, no matter what came her way. After what she had been through since she married into the Barone clan, she had significantly toughened up, for better or worse. That's the one good thing that came out of daily arguments and snarky comments from her mother-in-law.

"Alright…" Ray sighed, taking a long breath through his nose and letting out a gust of hot, stressed air.

Now that he thought about it, maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all. It wasn't raining for once, the kids and his wife were all happy and best of all there was no sign of….

"Hello, Raymond~!"

Oh well, a man can dream.

"Hi, Ma," Ray said to the small, old lady in front of him, forcing a smile. Despite having no one to blame for this but himself, he wished he could just go back and shut his past self up. Sadly, it was too late now...

Following her out of the ancient grey car was an equally old man and Raymond's brother, King Kong or as he liked to be called: Robert. Neither of them looked particularly thrilled to be there.

"I'm sorry we took so long to get here," Marie apologized. "I wanted to leave sooner but Robbie and I had to drag Frank away from the idiot box so he could drive us all here."

"He even bit me on the pinkie," Robert added, clutching said finger and screwing up his face, trying to cover the blood still squelching out.

"And I'll do it again!" Frank spat, obviously bitter.

"I was worried you two would've forgotten all about us!" Marie continued, ignorant of her son's pain. "You weren't thinking I wouldn't come to my own grandchildren's school fair would you?"

"Of course not Marie, it's lovely to see you all here." Debra smiled, doing her best "Ooh Lovely" face even though inside she wanted to vomit her guts out.

The five adults made their way down the path to the school playing fields where Ray and Debra's children were waiting for them. All three were bouncing up and down like rabbits, hands outstretched to receive their entertainment allowance.

"Don't spend it all in one place." Debra advised them as she handed them each five dollars.

"Mommy! Mommy! I wanna get my face painted!" Geoffry squealed, pulling the sleeve of Debra's nice new red sweater towards a small table littered with paint and brushes.

"Uncle Robbie! I want sweets!" Michael demanded, leading his long-suffering uncle towards a brightly coloured stall in the distance.

"Dad! Come on the slide with me!" Ally shouted, tugging the sports writer towards an inflatable slide covered in children.

"Mind it doesn't collapse under your weight!" Frank shouted after them, getting a sharp slap on the arm from Marie for his efforts.

"Behave yourself, Frank." She scolded. "I don't want you causing any trouble so stay close to me."

Frank was about to say something back when a delicious smell made its way into his hairy, wrinkly nostrils. Taking a big sniff, Frank's eyes became binoculars, looking this way and that for the source of this incredible smell. His wrinkled optics located a large tent in the near distance, filled with cakes of every variety. Chocolate, Red Velvet, sponge…It was all there.

"Sorry, Marie," Frank said as he wandered towards his wonderland. "I'm spoken for now."

Marie could do nothing but watch as her husband rambled towards the cakes and question as to what she ever saw in that man.


	4. Marie's pride and Raymond's slide

**CHAPTER 4: Marie's Pride and Raymond's slide**

Shaking her head in disgust, Marie set out to enjoy the fete on her own. Sighing to herself, she remembered happier times when both Ray and Robert were adorable little children: They would all have a great time at the local carnival together as a family, coming home with twice as much stuff as they had come in with. Heck, Frank wasn't a greedy old man back then.

Well, he was. Just not as bad as he was now.

Marie swiftly dodged a tsunami of children and parents as she made her way to the race track. She had never won a festival race back in her day. She had always found running to be a chore at best and an endless endeavour at worst, yet all the kids out on the track were making it look absolutely easy as if it was nothing but a short walk around the block. The old lady smiled.

"Maybe there's hope for this generation yet," She smiled to herself as she watched a small group of youth prepare for the next race.

"Mummy," Asked a little girl as she stretched her legs. "Why is that old lady staring at me?"

"Just ignore her," Replied her mother, more annoyed than threatened at the sight of an old woman.

Marie stood there for a while, making silent bets on which child would win the next race. There was an egg-and-spoon race, a sack race and sprints of children of all ages and genders. It was wonderful that something as simple as exercise could bring people together like that. Heck, maybe if Frank ran anywhere other than to the TV or toilet, he wouldn't be such a grumpy old sod. Then she remembered that this was Frank Barone she was thinking about.

Suddenly, she had an idea. A great idea. One that was sure to bring everyone together, whether they liked it or not.

"Excuse me!" Marie smiled at a nice-looking young man at a small plastic table. "Is there any chance I could sign my family for a race?"

"Umm...Let's see...We have three paired spaces open for the three-legged race". The man replied, flicking through a large red clipboard. Marie couldn't help but notice that he looked so very, very mature with his pen out. He looked like Frank had been before he had descended down the evolution ladder a few hundred feet.

"Oh thank you, dear," Marie smiled. "I'd like you to put down these names: Marie Barone and Ally Barone, Raymond and Michael Barone and finally..."

Come to think of it, who could go with Geoffrey? Frank was definitely out of the question. Knowing him, he'd either kamikaze his way through the other racers, dragging the poor boy behind him or just fall asleep right there and then. Debra was possible but Marie knew that she had enough things to worry about. Racing should be the least of her worries in her duties as a mother. That just left Robert. Well, why not? He was her last hope. After all, it's not like she had anyone else.

"Geoffrey and Robert Barone."

"Alrighty, the race is in one hour." The nice young man said, his hand moving as fast as lightning as he jotted the names down.

"Thank you very much," Marie replied. Then, she walked away. Why couldn't all young men these days be like him?

The only problem was what she was going to do for an hour. There was always the option of checking on the others... But then again, she could probably trust her sons (And Debra) to look after a child each for a short time. Most of the time, they knew what they were doing. Wait, what about Frank?

Sighing to herself, Marie walked over to a large white tent, the sweet smell of cakes filling her nose. She didn't want to brag but whoever had made those desserts could give her a run for her money. Maybe she'd buy one too.

What filled her ears, however, was much less appealing.

"I told you, sir! We don't give discounts to OAPs!" Came the cry of a woman from inside.

"Now listen here! I fought in Korea! I..."

Marie turned away from the war zone, knowing better than to trouble herself with supervising her own husband. The bric-a-brac stall never looked so appealing.

* * *

On the other side of the school field, Debra was not a happy bunny. A long line of children stood both behind and in front of her. It was so long that she could barely see the face-painter in the distance. She was painting a girls face looking like Spiderman.

"Geoffrey, why don't we come back later when it's a bit quieter?" Debra asked her son.

"No!" He retorted. "I wanna be Spiderman too!"

Groaning in defeat, Debra wished she had attended that PTA meeting after all. If she had her way, there would be the miraculous relief of a line of chairs leading to every attraction in order prevent sore feet. The mother's feet were aching from standing up for what seemed an eternity. She tried not to think about how swollen and red they probably looked, for all she knew they would look like giant beetroot rather than a part of a human body.

And so, she waited. And waited. And waited some more, just for good measure.

Not a moment too soon, Debra finally made her way up to the face-painting booth. Geoffrey eagerly hopped onto the stool and clapped his hands in delight. The nice woman in front of him was washing her brushes in dirty water, her fingers red from painting all day. She smiled at the boy but Debra could see the pain her in her face.

"That poor woman…" Debra thought to herself.

"Alright, little boy, who would you like to be today?" The artist asked with a smile.

The boy on the stool looked at the list of options on the board. True, he had been thinking of Spider-man but there so other good choices…Maybe a tiger? Then he could chase his sister around like the real thing. Then again, Tigers were a bit boring…

"Geoffrey, the people are waiting," Debra said, gently patting her son on the back to get him to hurry up.

"I'm thinking Mommy!" Geoffrey replied before gazing back at the list with extreme interest.

Debra, on the other hand, smiled apologetically to the long line of parents and children, then to the woman running the whole thing. She was starting to see why Ray didn't want to go.

* * *

Robert wasn't faring much better. He had managed to brave the long lines to get to the candy stall but wasn't prepared for phase two: Choosing. It wasn't that Michael was a picky eater; in fact, it was the exact opposite.

"No Michael, Debra only gave us $10," Robert told his brothers offspring who was currently carrying enough sweets in his tiny arms to feed a small nation. "We're not spending it all on sweets.".

"But I want them!" Michael screamed.

"Well, we're not getting all of them," Robert replied calmly, taking some of the plastic bags out of the boys grasp and placing them back on the table. "You need to learn that life isn't always fair."

"My daddy would have bought them for me..." The young boy sobbed, wiping away a tear. Then another. Soon, the boy was sobbing like a baby, whether the tears were real or not being a possible subject for debate. People from all ends of the field came to look round at Robert like he had just stabbed Michael in the stomach. The cries coming from the boy seemed to imply that that had just happened after all.

Robert's palm made a nice, comfortable landing on his face, a loud groan slipping through the cracks in his fingers. Being single and childless never had seemed so appealing until this moment in time.

"How the hell does Ray put up with this?" Robert thought to himself, not knowing what the heck to do at this point. Did he give into the wailing minor or stand his ground?

Come to think of it, how was his brother getting on?

* * *

"Wow! That's so cool!"

Raymond Barone had long given up on figuring out what his daughter was talking about. She had met up with two of her friends on the way to the slide and was now examining a new Barbie doll the taller of the duo of strangers had brought. The man could practically hear Ally begging for an allowance raise already and he dreaded it.

"And she comes with three different outfits, a hair dryer and a cell phone!" The girl continued, Ally and the other friend squealing and grabbing for the doll to get a closer look. Knowing Ally, that doll would find it's way onto her birthday list.

Raymond peered over the trio of tiny heads. Then, he smiled and silently thanked God.

"L-look Ally! The slide is open now!" He said, practically snatching her away from her future clique.

He watched his daughter head towards the slide as he handed a quarter to an equally-suffering man who was in charge of running the attraction.

"Daddy! Come on with me! Pleeeeease!" Came a pleading voice from the inflatable health and safety hazard.

Raymond looked at his daughter. Then, he looked at the open filed calling his name. Then he looked back at his daughter. Sighing, he handed over another quarter and went up to join her. A trail of blonde hair swished in the wind in front of him as Ally practically teleported up the steps.

"Come on Daddy, keep up!" She shouted down at her father, who was only half-way up at this point.

Raymond finally made it up the slide, crawling on all fours as not to drag his head along the ceiling of the attraction. For all he knew, a painful electric shock and a bad hair day would be the result of that. As his daughter sat down beside him, Raymond looked down at the ground. The ground glared at him in return. He'd never been good with slides, even when he was a kid.

"We…We'll go down on the count of three ok Ally?" He asked his daughter, linking his large sweaty hand through her petite, delicate one.

"One…" He muttered, forcing himself to smile. Heck, if his daughter could go down a death-trap like this with no problem, then even he should be able to slide down one at least twice as big. He had to do this. His credibility as a parent was on the line here. If he couldn't do this, he would never hear the end of it.

"Two…" Then again...The ground looked a lot further away when he was actually on the thing. Then there was the inevitable static shock that'd he get as soon as he reached the bottom. He'd have to get himself prepared for that at the very least.

"THREE!" Screamed Ally, a little quicker than Ray would have liked.

And with a swift, hard yoink, Ally shuffled forward and burst down the slide, Raymond letting out a gasp as he pulled down with her towards the earth. Air currents kicked in as they fell, the man's teeth slamming shut inside his lips. A burst of adrenaline exploded inside the mans body, a rush of power flowing throughout his soul. At that moment, Ray felt truly alive. With just a single drop down a slide, he felt a joy that he hadn't felt in years: Excitement.

Not the kind of excitement that pops up when your team scores a touchdown or when you get a few dollars off of your pizza order.

No, this was the sort of excitement that made you feel truly alive. The sort of excitement that made you want to scream, want to jump off a building. This arguably wasn't even excitement. It was a rush. A pure, undiluted rush. Raymond embraced this rush, taking in every minute of it.

The rubber exterior rubbed against his jeans as he slid down with his daughter, who was screaming her head off with joy. Ray wasn't sure if she was feeling the same way as him. Sure, she was excited but was she feeling the same rush that he was? It was doubtful.

The both of them landed with a crash at the bottom of the slide, laughing their heads off. As they sat, the rush of passion drifted away in the wind, leaving Ray a shell of the man he was a few seconds ago. Getting up, he wiped his brow and put his hand on the side of the slide to support himself. At that point, he felt a surge of static nip him.

Just a nip. It wasn't even painful.

"Ally, we're going this again," Raymond ordered. He needed this rush again. His daughter had gotten him addicted and now she had to help him. He'd just look stupid if he went on that thing by himself.

"Yay!" Ally laughed, taking her fathers hand.

Looks like she didn't mind.


	5. The main event

**CHAPTER 5: The main event**

It was about two hours later when Marie walked back onto the field, having left to bring a large basket out of her car, replacing it with several souvenirs. These included a nice red vase, several small bags of biscuits, a painting of some sunflowers and several other miscellaneous objects she'd bought in the spur of the moment. She knew her husband wouldn't approve but she didn't care: The amount of crap he bought was nothing small.

"There you are!" She smiled as she saw Robert and Ally. "How are you two getting on?"

Ally was just as excitable as ever.

"It was great!" She squealed, bouncing up and down like a ball.

"Dang straight!" Raymond added, his attitude a complete shift from what it was earlier.

"We went on the slide 10 times!" Ally continued.

"I wanted to go on more but people kept looking at me funny," Ray moaned.

At that point, Robert and Debra showed up with the twins. Debra looked exhausted and Robert had a face that practically screamed: "Shoot me". Michael was clutching a bag full of sweets, running away from Geoffrey, who had his painted as Spider-man. They looked like they were having the time of their young lives, oblivious to the adult's pain.

"Here's your kid back," Robert moaned, face slumped into his trademark frown. If he had learnt one thing from his "adventure" with Michael it was that he was nowhere near ready for kids. If Marie wanted more Grandchildren, he'd leave that up to Ray.

Debra wasn't doing much better. After waiting ages for her son to pick a design and then standing for ages while he went on countless rides, played games and ate sweets until his stomach burst, she welcomed the chance to sit down. Geoffry hadn't even asked her if she'd like a go of hoopla yet he'd had no regrets about taking her money to play by himself.

"Right, now what are we going to do for lunch?" Debra asked, joining her husband down on the nice, soft grass as she let go of the other twin's hand. "I saw a hot dog truck back there."

Marie made a face. It was no wonder that the kids were suffering from malnutrition Did Debra really hate her kids so much that she'd force junk food down their throats?! Thankfully, she'd planned ahead.

"Or we could actually have a decent lunch." She smiled, reaching into the large basket she'd just got out of the car and laying a bright red rug on the ground. Another reach in brought out an airtight box full of sandwiches, then a box full of little sausages, another box full of salad…You get the idea. By the time she was finished, a full banquet was spread across the rug.

"Picnic! Picnic! Picnic!" The twins squealed, sitting down on the soft blanket.

"Thanks, Ma," Ray and Robert said.

"Thanks, Grandma!" Ally grinned.

Debra simply smiled at Marie, resisting the urge to tear her head off.

"Wait…Where's dad?" Frank asked. "I thought he was with you, Ma."

He soon got his answer as an old man with icing smeared down his shirt trundled on over to the picnic.

"You look a mess, Frank!" Marie scolded, bringing out a napkin.

"Hey, I've been busy!" Her husband replied, setting himself down.

Marie was about to reply but decided against it. No matter what she said, it wouldn't change anything. The day Frank ate like a proper human being would be the day hell froze over.

"Did you spend all your time in the cake booth Dad?" Robert asked.

"Nah, I got kicked out for eating too much so I took a half-hour nap." His father replied. "I tell ya, women these days have no respect for the elderly. No offence Debra."

"None taken," Debra replied.

Sure, she would have preferred to not have been insulted but compared to Marie, Frank treated her like she was queen of the world.

* * *

A few seconds later, all eight members of the Barone clan were tucking into the picnic lunch, eating it off of paper Winnie-the-pooh plates.

"This meatloaf's really good Ma." Robert mumbled his mouth full.

"Thank you, Robbie," Marie replied. "Debra, would you like me to teach you how to make it? It's a great way to get some protein into your children."

"Thanks, Marie," Debra replied, rather dryly. "But the kids are fine."

To prove her point, she looked over at her next of kin, only to see them stuffing their faces. With the rate they were gobbling, gorging and chomping you would have thought they'd not seen food in a year. Debra rolled her eyes and hoped that her mother-in-law would shut up. Then, she remembered that the woman in front of her was Marie Barone.

"Oh, before I forget, I entered us into the three-legged race." Marie smiled, reaching for an egg sandwich.

The old lady's hand was met with empty air as Frank snatched it from just under her fingers, stuffing it into his abyss of a mouth in a mere millisecond.

"Frank! I've not had one of those!" Marie shouted.

"You know the rules," Her husband mumbled, crumbs tumbling out from his lips as he chewed. "First come, first serve."

"Is that why you stole one of my crackers?" Ray inquired.

"Mhm!" His father replied and stuffed another sandwich into his mouth.

"It was on my plate though…"

Frank just ignored his son and continued to eat, reaching over to grab another sandwich.

* * *

After their lunch, the family walked over to the playing fields. Or rather, the three children dragged them over. Despite repeated statements that they had five minutes to spare, the children continued to drag them towards their destination, each having a grip like a crab.

"Hurry up!" Michael squealed, pulling both Frank and Marie's hands.

"Come on!" Ally pleaded, dragging Raymond and Ray along like dogs.

"Move Mummy!" Geoffrey demanded, hauling Debra towards the race track.

Several other pairs of kids and parents were there, each of them practising for the race, stretching their legs or forcing themselves to believe that winning didn't matter. The passion in their eyes, however, told a much different story.

"Looks like a lot of competition." Raymond thought out loud.

Robert, being the good elder brother he was, comforted his smaller sibling.

"There, there Raymond. You'll do fine." He smiled, patting his brother's shoulder.

That sounded good down on paper but the tone with which he said it made Raymond's blood boil. He knew that tone. That was Robert's famous "Poor little Ray" tone.

"Yeah! I will!" He retorted.

Comebacks were never his strongest skill.

"Debra dear, would you mind holding the basket?" Marie asked, handing her it before the younger woman could respond. "You can keep Frank company while I race."

"How come I'm not racing?" Debra asked, already knowing she wouldn't like the answer.

"Because someone needs to hold the basket."

Frank was also not happy with Marie's proposition.

"And what about me?"

Marie leaned in close to her not-so-loving husband and smiled.

"First come, first served." She replied in her best Frank impression.

* * *

Not a million years later, the three pairs of family members were lined up along with the three other pairs of racers. Marie and Ally were eager to go, Raymond was glaring at Robert rather than paying attention to Michael and Robert was glaring back, despite Geoffrey pulling at his shirt.

"I'm gonna beat you!" Raymond told his brother with a bit more sass than necessary.

"Daddy, you got spit in my hair..." Michael whined but this fell on deaf ears.

"We'll see about that," Robert replied. Growing up, he had always been the more athletic brother. Lose a race to his own brother? Over his dead body.

"Daddy's not going to win is he?" Geoffrey whispered, standing on his tip-toes to reach the giant's ear.

"Not even in his wildest dreams." Robert grinned.

At the other end of the race track, Marie and Ally were gazing up at the four brothers.

"Grandma, do you think we can win?" Ally asked, all too aware of her grandma's age. She had nothing against her but it was true that she wasn't the strongest of athletes…

"Of course we can dear." Marie smiled.

That made Ally feel a little better.

"READY?!" called the nice young man with the flag.

Ray and Robert had never been more ready for anything in their lives.

"Set? GO!"

And with that, the six pairs burst from the starting line, dashing towards the finish line. Ray and Robert ran into an early lead, the two brothers smashing into each other like bumper cars as they dashed towards the red ribbon at the end of the field. The twins struggled to keep up with the men, who had seemed to have forgotten this was a three-legged race and not the hundred-metre dash.

"He doesn't stand a chance." Raymond thought to himself, glaring at Robert.

"He doesn't stand a chance." Robert thought to himself, glaring at Raymond.

Meanwhile, Marie and Ally and were a few meters behind. As of yet, victory didn't seem like a possibility but nevertheless, they trundled onwards, Marie keeping in perfect sync with her granddaughter. They always said "Slow and steady wins the race" after all.

Up ahead, Robert pulled ahead of Raymond, Geoffrey struggling to keep up. The tiny twin struggling to keep up with the huge man. The giant took no notice and broke into a dash, foot slipping out of the rope. Before Geoffrey knew what was going on, his uncle zipped onwards, leaving him behind.

"Uncle Robbie!" He screamed, running after his uncle.

Raymond grinned, thinking he had the race tied around his finger. Robert couldn't win if Geoffrey didn't finish with him! He was going to do it! He was going to win! He was going to...

"Arrrgh!"

A tiny foot stuck out in front of Raymond, tripping him over, Michael soon following. The duo fell right onto the grass with a loud "THUD!"

"Ow…" Whimpered Raymond, clutching his foot.

"Daddy! Get up!" Michael demanded, trying to pull ahead.

"Hold on, hold on! I think I've twisted my ankle!"

Michael gazed on in frustration as the other pairs dashed by, forced to be anchored to his wimp of a father. Raymond took no notice and took off his shoe, followed by pulling down his sock to check for bruises.

"Daddy! Daddy!"

"Hold on!" Raymond replied, putting his footwear back on.

Looking up, Raymond was met with the terrible sight of all five other teams ahead of him. Looks like he'd have to get serious…

Quickly, before anyone knew what was happening, Raymond untied the rope keeping him and Michael together, scooped him up and ran towards the goal. He zipped the other three pairs of parents and children, followed by his mother and daughter, sweat flowing down his face.

Robert was just metres away from the finish line, the red ribbon practically in front of his face. The precious moment of rubbing it in his brother's face ever closer. Good thing he'd been paired with the lighter twin; Geoffrey was as light as air!

"Uncle Robbie!"

That sounded like…No, it couldn't be!

Looking behind him, Robert found his nephew running up to him, holding what had been the rope around their feet. The man could have slapped himself in the face. How could he have been so careless!?

"Don't worry Geoffrey, we can still win this!" Robert smiled, more to convince himself more than to comfort the boy.

Gripping the rope, Robert practically pulled the poor boy over and tied the rope around their feet once more. Looking up, he was met with Raymond dashing towards them, Michael in his arms. Quickly, Robert finished tying the knot and stepped forward, slow enough for his partner to know what was happening and follow suit. Soon enough, they had made it into a slow run, just enough so Geoffrey could keep up with his uncle.

Raymond continued to sprint, carrying his son in his arms tightly. Quickly, he caught up with his brother and dashed forward. Robert tried to lunge closer to the ribbon.

Both brothers put their best foot forward, getting closer and closer to their final destination. Any second, one of them would break the ribbon…

Raymond dashed.

Robert lunged

Marie trundled forward.

Debra watched.

Frank wandered off

The ribbon broke.


	6. Aftermath

**Chapter 6: Aftermath**

With his last ounce of strength, Raymond bounded towards the finish, splitting the red ribbon in two with ease. A wave of pride flowed through his veins, fully confident that he'd won the day. Of course, he was just as surprised as anyone else that he'd actually pulled it off. Boy, the look on Robert's face right now! That was definitely the look of a jealous brother, that glare was definitely one of spite. And Raymond would enjoy every moment of it.

"We won!" Raymond cheered, throwing Michael into the air, only to catch him and pull him into a bear-hug, following this with a "Told you so" kind of look aimed at Robert.

"You cheated, so WE won." Robert corrected, patting Geoffrey's head. He wanted to win of course, but he had won a fair race.

It had been a while since he had run a three-legged race but he was pretty sure what Raymond had done was illegal in every sense of the sport. After all, part of the game was that you were supposed to be TIED to the child.

"Actually, neither of you won," Said the nice young man, shooting both of them an icy glare. First, he turned to Raymond. "Mr Barone, you're not allowed to carry your son to the finish."

"It was only half-way!" Raymond rebutted.

As much as he didn't want to admit it, Raymond knew that he'd messed up. Still, that didn't mean he wanted to be told off for it. He looked down in shame, knowing that his wife would have something to say about this later. She always did. He wanted to disappear from view, never to be found but the nice man still wasn't finished.

"And you're supposed to be tied up for the whole race, He finished, staring up at Robert.

He tried to look intimidating to prove his point but due to the other man's height, this was pretty much impossible. Still, the message got through, proven by Robert opening his mouth to protest, then closing it shamefully. He knew when he was beaten. Still, there was one question left unanswered.

"Wait," Raymond interrupted. "If we didn't win…Then who did?!"

A small hand tugged at his trousers, causing the man to let out a squeal and spin around to look behind him.

"Hi, Daddy!" Ally smiled, holding up a large bag of Starmix Haribo and a small silver trophy to boot.

"Oh, so you two won," Raymond sighed. "Congratulations sweetie." He added, trying his best to be happy for his daughter.

"Actually, they won," Marie corrected, motioning towards a father/son duo holding up a good trophy, cheering, laughing and overall making embarrassments of themselves. "We came second."

Debra came over, a frown plastered across her face. She frowned so often nowadays that it had pretty much become her default expression, not that anyone would tell that to her face. Despite what onlookers may think, she had tried her best to enjoy today. She'd endured endless standing around, waiting for Geoffry, she'd powered through Marie's insults and picnic lunch but now? Her own husband cheating in a children's race? That was the last straw. Three strikes, he was out.

"Well, I hope you two are proud of yourselves," She said, hands on hips as she glared at both Robert and Raymond. "This was supposed to be a fun little race for the children but you two had to turn it into a big…big….brawl! Was winning so important that you had to cheat in a CHILDREN'S RACE just to feel good about yourselves?!"

"Sorry, Deb..." The brothers said simultaneously, knowing that the question she'd asked was rhetorical.

"Daddy, would you like some Haribo?" Ally smiled, trying to diffuse the situation.

"I don't think Daddy or Uncle Robert deserve any sweets Ally," Debra replied. She smiled down at her daughter, then glared at the brothers again just to prove her point.

"That's right Ally, we earned those fair and square," Marie chimed in. "You have them, sweetie."

Debra looked at Marie like she'd grown a second head. The old hag agreed with her!? She figured a blue moon must be coming tonight.

"Naughty Daddy," Michael chimed in.

"Naughty Uncle Robbie," Geoffrey continued.

"Ok, ok. We get it, we're terrible people," Raymond groaned. "Can we just go home now?"

"No way! I'm not done!" Came a voice from the other side of the school.

"Sir, you've already bought 10 pork pies, don't you think you've had enough?" Asked the young man running the stall.

"I'll tell you when I've had enough." Frank retorted, smacking another dollar on the table and taking another of the pastries, swallowing it down in the blink of an eye.

"Should we do something?" Robert asked, slightly worried.

Marie shook her head and wished for the ground to swallow her up.

"Do you want to tell your father to stop stuffing his face?"

Robert promptly shut up. His finger still hurt from when he'd dragged his dad away from the TV. He didn't want a repeat of that, his finger had only just stopped bleeding.

At that moment, a loud groan caught everyone's attention. In fact, it sounded less like a groan and more like the noise of a dying bull. Over in the distance, Frank wobbled over, clutching his stomach.

"Is he alright?" Ray asked in concern.

Marie didn't reply, simply shaking her head in disgust.

Frank stumbled over to the family, looking a mess.

"Marie...We're going home..." He muttered.

"I knew this would happen," Marie said. "You just couldn't control yourself could you, you fat oaf!"

"Shut up!" Frank replied, trying his best not to throw up. "I wanna go home!"

At this point, everyone else was either too embarrassed or too tired to argue.

As the family strolled over the grass and then onto the concrete of the school pathway, Franks condition only got worse. He spluttered and wheezed like an old car engine, struggling to keep up with the rest of the group. His breaths became sharp and fast, his eyes started to water and he stopped mid-step.

Then, it happened.

"Blerrrrgh!"

The family turned around to see what was going on and could only watch as half-digested food splurged out of the old fool's mouth like a foul-smelling greenish waterfall. Bits of chewed cake, pie, bread and other foodstuffs fell to the ground continuously as the horrible noise burst throughout the air. Raymond, Debra and Robert quickly covered the kid's eyes, then tightly shut their own. Maire, on the other hand, looked away, not even concerned with her husband's well-being. He'd brought it on himself after all. each of them hoping that no one else was watching.

Unfortunately, someone was.

"Are you alright?" Came the distressed cry of a nearby teacher, rushing over to help Frank, unaware that her presence was bringing more harm than good.

The old man couldn't say a word, nothing but coughs, splutters and wheezes coming out of his mouth. Bringing a napkin out from her pocket, the nice lady wiped the vomit from Frank's lips and put her arm around him, struggling to support the heavy old fool.

"Is this your family?" She asked, motioning towards the Barone clan.

It took all of Marie's willpower to declare him as her husband and not run for the hills while she had the chance. At this point, she'd be happy if the ground swallowed her and the rest of her family up.

* * *

"Thanks for your help!"

Marie's smile soon dropped back into a scowl as she glared at the lump in her passenger seat. As soon as the teacher was out of earshot, she let out all of her frustration, whether the other passengers wanted to hear it or not. It was bad enough he'd acted like a total beast all day but he couldn't be bothered dragging his own hide to the car. Oh no, Frank had to get a nice young lady to drag him inside. Marie had not one drop of sympathy for the man: He brought it on himself, no doubt about it.

"Well, I hope you learned a little lesson today Frank." The old lady said, reversing out of the car park.

"Shut up and drive me home..." Frank mumbled. "Slowly!" He added quickly.

In the back seat, Robert struggled to keep his legs tucked in behind the driver's seat. Staring out of the window, he let out a groan of displeasure. Well, not only had he been caught cheating in a race but he was now certain he didn't want children. He had truly left the fete a sadder and wiser man, for better or worse.

Meanwhile, Debra and Raymond had barely said a word to each other since they'd got in the car. Zooming down the street on the way home, Raymond turned on the radio. The sweet sound of music echoed throughout the car, an attempt to soften the mood. Said attempt was thwarted by his wife turning off the music, much to the displeasure of the other passengers.

"Debra, I've said I was sorry three times, what more do you want?" Raymond inquired, eager to make things up with his wife. He'd never hear the end of it if he didn't.

"Sorry Ray, I'm just not in the mood to talk right now," Debra muttered, eyes glancing away from the driver.

"Are you ok Mummy?" Ally asked from the back seat.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Debra sighed, gazing out the window.

But in all honesty, she wasn't.

* * *

It was later that night that Debra finally opened up. After an awkward dinner and Raymond taking care of putting all three kids to bed, he stumbled into the bedroom, pulling off his shirt in one swift movement before slumping down on the bed. Debra peered up from her book, swishing some hair out of her eyes.

"Ray..." She muttered.

"I know, I know," Ray sighed, kicking off his jeans and crawling in under the covers beside her. "I'm really sorry about what happened."

"Then why'd you do it?"

"Because...Because I got carried away. You were the one saying I should lighten up."

"Don't you turn this around on me..."

"I'm not! I'm just saying that...Well, yes, I got over-excited and stuff but...I was just trying to have a good time."

Debra sighed. Despite her husband being an absolute idiot at times, she always knew that he meant well underneath. Heck, she was always telling him to lighten up...

"Alright Ray, I forgive you." She muttered.

He smiled and gave her a short, sweet kiss on the cheek. Despite his actions sometimes, it was clear that Ray was still crazy about his wife. Heck, he'd cross burning bridges for her (But only if there wasn't an extinguisher nearby).

"Hey, you wanna know something?"

"Yeah, what?"

"I really don't like school events either."

The man stared at his wife, eyes as big as saucepans. After all the fuss she'd made this morning about going, this was definitely news to him.

"No way, seriously?" Ray spluttered, in complete disbelief.

"Yeah! I mean, you remember what happened when we missed the spring fete that one year?" His wife replied.

"How could I forget?" Ray groaned. "How dare you not support our children? Are you a madwoman!?" He added, in his screechiest, most annoying voice possible.

The woman laughed and gave her husband a pat on the shoulder.

"Hey, just a few more years and the kid's'll be in high school. No one cares if you show up to those kinds of things."

That was definitely music to Ray's ears.

"You've been counting the days?"

"Maybe."

Raymond smiled and gave his wife a kiss on the lips, letting her do the same. As he turned off the light on his side of the bed. Debra did the same. As they both began to drift off, their hands linked together under the covers. Despite everything that happened at that awful fete: The waiting, the embarrassment, the smell of Frank's puke, they still managed to power through. The husband and wife then fell asleep.

 _I'm glad I married my wife._ Ray thought.


End file.
